Do’s, Don’ts and Opinions from a Single Male Dominant

Hello and welcome to the new and exciting world of BDSM, a place where one can explore their fantasies, and develop fulling and lifelong relationships in an warm and welcoming environment. Oh, and a whole lot of kinky sex… well, if you’re into that sort of thing, but I will talk about that later. However, BDSM is not all whips, chains, and rock and roll either. Within the “Scene” or the “Lifestyle”, (the terms are used interchangeably) there exists no one “right” way to do things, but there are SO many ways to do them wrong. As a single male who identifies as a dominant there are some issues that I would like to address to help prevent you from making the same mistakes that many(myself included) have made before you.

Now I make no claim to be the end all be all guru of newbie dominance, I just want to do my part and give back to the community. This piece is not intended for you to memorize with expectation that you will be swamped with play dates. This list, and the accompanying words, are intended to provide relevant insight from someone who a little more than a year before this writing  was the single male dominant entering the world of BDSM. It is my hope that everything that I have been taught and learned the hard way during the first months of my journey can help make your first months a little easier.

Ok, so you have done some research and found out about this site. You are all ready to get out and get kinky, and while there is nothing wrong with that idea, I ask that you be patient. Patience is a major concept that a new dominant needs to understand, and in my personal opinion the most important.

DO: BE PATIENT. I typed it in capitals letters, so it must be important… BECAUSE IT IS. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and you most assuredly cannot become the ultimate uber-dom in a day either. Take your time. A few weeks after the start of my journey through the lifestyle, I was told by my mentor, “Give it six months” and sure as the sun rises in the sky, doors in my local community began to open.

DO: Go to munches. Every single time you see a post suggesting that new people go to a munch, you are looking at something that you should be doing. Seriously, go to a munch.

DO: Network. This could have been rolled into go to munches, but networking is truly worth of its own section. Munches are among the best possible opportunities to meet people in a low pressure setting. Also it speaks of your character, that you are willing to step outside of your comfort zone. However, as a new single dominant I feel that it is best to have one mission above all else. Network, seek out the event organizers/group leaders, and make it a point for you to know them, and for them to know you. **Side note: event organizers/group leaders tend to be extroverts, and extroverts tend to know people, and extroverts tend to introduce people. Digest that.**

DO: Find a mentor, or at least a more experienced person in the scene that feel you can trust to bounce ideas and feelings off of. Through their experience they can give you their perspective which can grant new insight. Experienced people love it when new people approach them with questions, this is good for you because it is telling of your character.

DO: Learn, learn, and learn some more. As dominant men we tend to have that desire to explore and to conquer, be patient and and take that same desire and use it to conquer your lack of practical BDSM knowledge. Learn about yourself, learn about what you want, and learn about as much as you can in the lifestyle. There are articles on the Internet, read them. There are books covering the the questions that you have, read them, multiple times if need be. There are educational videos available on the Internet, do not just watch them, study them. There are most likely discussion groups pertaining to your interests, join and contribute to them. Before playing or looking for a lifestyle relationship, the mission is to learn. As Bo Blaze said in his book (50 shades of Curious: BDSM for Beginners) “When you stop growing, you start dying.” In this instance learning is synonymous with growing, also I recommend the book for beginners.

DON’T: Expect to play at your first public play party. It may happen, and if it does, congratulations are in order, because you have just experienced a non-typical result. However, it is wise to remember that when first starting out in the scene, getting known and getting to know others  is more important than having a “scene”. No need to advertise, but just be there and mingle, it will pay off later. Some of the best connections come from friends of friends.

Furthermore, I know that in my local community newer submissives are advised to seek out experienced dominants to play with. A logical bit of advice, because with experience brings the chances of injury during a scene that much closer to zero. Which leads to the question: Without the opportunity to play, how can one become experienced? A catch-22 if there ever was. While hands on experience is by far the best teacher, there are other ways to get educated and ready to play safely.

DO: Learn, learn, learn. For example, spanking, which is a form of impact play, could be a good avenue to start. Another option is to choose an implement or toy(also terms that are used interchangeably), and study it, research it, practice with it.

DON’T: Be “That Guy” Do not try too hard, it looks bad and the submissives can tell. To quote a friend of mine “There is nothing more pathetic than a dominant who tries too hard.” I have included more ways to avoid being “That Guy” below.

DON’T: Mistake kindness for interest. Just because she was nice to you does not necessarily mean that she was into you. She may be, but if you push it you will end up turning her off faster than a light switch. Be cool, be friendly be honest and if unsure of intent you can openly ask.

DO: Keep it in your pants. Seriously, make it a personal rule if you need to. Kinky sex happens all the time, and at first it may or may not involve you. Logically, I can assume that as I am writing this piece, and as you are reading it, that somewhere there is some form of kinky sex going on. Relax, it will come in time. As a single male dominant your reputation should be a priority, and it is bad for a developing reputation to be known as the guy who is just trying to get laid. Even in this wonderful world of hedonistic pursuits being know as that guy is counter-productive to you getting kinky sex.

DON’T: Pursue sex, seriously I cannot stress that enough. If you get into a scene and your bottom wants your penis, have faith that she will in some way let you know. If you do manage to get some action, please be safe and use protection.

DO: Self control, or in other words, the first person that you dominate should be yourself. If you cannot control yourself, how can you expect to control someone else? Self control in all things.

DO: Communicate. A scene is a consensual and mutual agreement between two or more parties to participate in kinky activity, and the terms of which are a product of negotiations. Negotiations are invaluable exchanges that set guidelines for how a scene may play out. If you are unsure of something before, during, or after a scene, just ask. However one should at all times be ready for a change in plans which brings us to…

DO: Pay Attention. Super important. Example: Let us say that we have a bottom that does not use a safeword? How do we know when to stop or to slow down? Remember, negotiate, communicate, learn, pay attention. In that instance the bottom used hand signals so I needed to be aware of her hands, and body language. Pay attention, again super important.

DO: Be a man of action. If you are an Alpha male, ruler of all you survey etc. That is totally fine because you are not alone. Prove yourself through action, as a new person in the scene people are always watching. It is also important to know the difference between confidence and egotism, and the latter is not productive.

DON’T: Penis profile pics. Please try to avoid them. I know that you probably think that your junk is awesome, but guys who post them usually catch crap because of the belief that as your profile picture is the image that you are showing to the Fet world.

DO: Be respectful, a general rule of thumb to follow: no means no. Consent is a huge concept and one that should not be take lightly. Consent is the difference between a fun scene and a night in jail and a one way ticket out of the local kinky community.

There are many subjects or hot topics for study, and as a dominant it is our job to be familiar with many of the terms and concepts that float about the scene. ‘Dominate’ is an action word, and to earn the trust and submission of another person requires a lot of work.

In the end it is all worth it but to get to do what you want to do at first one must do what he needs to do. Worry not, fellow dominant, the beauty of the scene is that there are many others on the same journey, but they are just walking along different roads.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns please I invite you to look me up on Fetlife.


Who is Blacksage81? Well that is a question I have tried to answer more than a few times in the past few years. I am straight male dominant, a writer, a budding sadist, an unrepentant nerd, shy introvert, deep thinker, and an all around swell guy. I am fairly new to the scene, still new enough that the mistakes that I have made still sting in memory, but I have been around long enough to have an idea of how much I do not know. Join me and other kinky folk on our journey through the scene, I make no promises but you will never be the same again.