I found a BDSM club and I’m going- What should I expect?

When you first go to a BDSM club or play party, there are some basic things you should know.  Here’s a basic primer:

Street Legal: show up to the door wearing clothing that you would be comfortable in when walking down the street.  Don’t worry, you’ll be able to show off a sexy outfit once you get into the venue. Fetishwear is designed to show off to other fetishists, not the poor guy working closing shift at a sandwich shop.

Bring ID: yes, you might have a scene name or alias to avoid being outed- bring your ID anyway.  You are going to have to prove that you are over 18, possibly over 21, and in the event of an emergency, ID is really important for personal safety. Event organizers depend on the credibility gained by keeping private information private, but they still need to make sure that event participants are legal to participate.

Scene names: use them or don’t- it is your choice. I use one on this website, when at a club, I don’t bother. My main concern is that I make it harder for my kids to find me on-line. Using a first and last name as a scene name comes across as more commonplace or realistic, though you can also have fun with your scene name.  Personally, I frown on using titles in one’s scene name- if you  include Sir or Mistress or something of that ilk, be prepared to explain how you’ve earned it.

Cell Phones: most clubs and kink events forbid the use of cell phones.  Make a safecall if you need to or send a text to let someone know where you are, but after that- turn your phone off and keep it out of the play space. Most clubs have a place to put coats, toy bags,  and purses. Privacy is important, keep your phone with your purse or coat, and keep it out of sight.

Be prepared for all shapes and sizes: most people who practice some form of BDSM aren’t fetish models. Look around you at a grocery store- everyone who is over 18- you might get to see them naked. Fat, skinny, pale, cellulite covered- naked. This is normal. Don’t be afraid of your imperfections, and don’t judge others for their own imperfections.

Don’t get drunk: if alcohol is allowed or sold at the venue, don’t get drunk.  It doesn’t make you smarter, it doesn’t make you more personable, it doesn’t make you a better conversationalist, and it doesn’t make you safer to play with.

Be personable:  this is a social setting! Introduce yourself, make conversation, be respectful of those around you. Don’t get too close to the scenes that are going on, don’t interrupt after care; just relax, be personable, and be yourself. It is perfectly acceptable to just stand back and watch everything around you.

Do not touch without invitation and enthusiastic consent: Consent is really important to kinksters- it is what keeps beatings from becoming abuse, it is what keeps rough sex from becoming rape. Unless someone has invited you to touch something or someone in a certain way, you do not have the right to touch them at all. Keep your hands off of other people and their toys, unless you have express permission to touch someone or examine something.  Touching someone without permission is probably one of the fastest ways to be kicked out of a BDSM club or event. If permission has been granted to touch someone, do not touch beyond what that permission allows. If you are confused about what you can and cannot touch- ask for clarification.

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Hi,  I’m Lucy!

I tend to love the essay- a lot. I also love story telling and just sharing my experiences as I see them- usually with a bit of snark and humor in the mix.  I’ve been active in the VA, MD, DC BDSM scene for about 15 years, as a bottom, a top, a switch, a submissive and a lot of weird stuff in between, I am also a masochist as well as a sadist.  I am a graysexual and can relate to the ACE perspective as well.

You can find me on Fetlife as LucyMarshall, feel free to drop me a line!

 

 

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4 Comments on “I found a BDSM club and I’m going- What should I expect?

    • Hi SuzyQ! Thanks for the question- I strongly suggest that you join http://www.fetlife.com, where you can search particular cities for events and schedules, however, I’ll be happy to give you a start… In Delaware, there is Wilmington MaST, In Christiana there is Coast2Coast munch, there is a munch held in Sussex County, Annapolis has a pretty decent munch and event list, Baltimore has The Play House and Charm City Play Space (CCPS)…all of these and so much more are visible and searchable on http://www.fetlife.com, where you can also RSVP to events, find out the rules associated with each event, and message group and event coordinators for more information, should you need to be vetted.

      I hope this helps!

      We’re happy to answer any other questions you may have.

      -Lucy