Coming Out Kinky to a Partner

Accepting one’s self is one of the hardest things we will ever do as kinksters. Many of us spent years anguishing over our “different desires” and what they mean. But now that we are embracing who we are or what we are into, how do we get the ones we love to accept or embrace that side of ourselves too?

I’m afraid there is no easy answer to this. In a perfect world we believe that those who love us do so unconditionally. However, our worlds are rarely ever perfect. Each of us has our own set of circumstances to consider.

First, no matter what, I always recommend honesty with your partner. Lying to them about the kinky side of yourself and hiding any kink activities you may be involved in will not end well. It never does and will only cause someone you love a lot of pain.

Now, how to approach the topic… I have always found being direct is best. I do not advocate sugar coating your interests – don’t be an asshole about it – but be up front. Explain to your partner that you’ve been interested in ‘xyz’ activities for however long you’ve been interested in ‘xyz’. Let them know it is part of who you are and is separate from your love and relationship with them. In other words, you are not this way because of something they did or didn’t do! Some people like to own other peoples stuff, don’t be an ass and allow them to do that.

Brace yourself for the inevitable reaction. Reactions to news like this can run the gamut of emotion so make sure you are ready for it. Do whatever it is you need to do beforehand to remain calm. Allow your partner to feel and react in the way that is true to them. Do not make them feel bad if they don’t accept your admissions with open arms at first. Kink is a hard thing for many to accept. Be patient and understanding as they work through their feelings.

Next be prepared for their questions. There will be a lot of them. Answer everything as openly and honestly as you can. Have information available for them to peruse when they’re ready. Do not force Fetlife or any other website or book down their throat. Let them know resources are available to provide them with the information they want or need when they’re ready to view it.

Breathe. This is a process, just as accepting yourself and your kinks was a process. If you already have a solid, loving foundation in your relationship you and your partner will get through this together. Give them all the time they need to process their thoughts and come to terms with them. This likely won’t happen overnight. It’s that patience thing again. I really can’t stress this enough.

In the coming days, weeks, even months from your initial conversation there will be many more. Keep talking and remember time is your friend and compromise is okay. Do not view this as an ‘all or nothing’ deal with your partner. Work to find common ground and comfort levels. I will hazard a guess you will find that sweet spot where your kink and your relationship can comfortably coexist.

Share Button

Lana Kazanova has been doing this thing we call BDSM since 1998 when she found the scene in Atlanta. She has been active in her local Washington DC scene since 2002. Lana identifies as a sadomasochist and an opportunist.

Posted in Communication Tagged with: , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*