BDSM Does Not Equal Sex- Why it is Safe to Say “NO”

BDSM Clubs are not necessarily sex clubs- in fact, the vast majority of the scenes I have been involved in and watched do not include sex.  Don’t expect sex or that participants at BDSM events are going to be comfortable with sex. Believe it or not, but sex has been around a very long time.  There is nothing novel about it, very little new and exciting about it, and really, most people who want to have sex don’t want to do it at a BDSM club. Clubs may be sex-positive, but it is rare that sex takes a center role in someone’s interpretation of what BDSM is.

I like getting punched. I like playing with knives and watching the blade dance across someone’s skin. I like listening to people laugh when a crop smacks across their thigh and leaves a red welt. I like watching someone get untied after a bondage scene- ligature marks visible against their flesh- embossed and textured remnants of the ordeal that was experienced. These things are all hot- they are sexy, they are beautiful. I do not expect the culmination of the evening for any of these scenes and players will be sex in the middle of the play space, bent over whatever equipment they were playing on.  It may happen because it was negotiated and consented to- however, it is NOT an expectation.

Very few scenes focus on sex. Very few scenes include sex. If I am negotiating an impact scene, I may be comfortable including my genitalia in that negotiation- but it depends on who I am playing with and what we are doing.  Most likely, I will feel comfortable with impact on my thighs, my ass, my shoulders, my chest- but I won’t feel comfortable with that impact if I am also getting fingered at the same time. No one I want to be playing with would judge me negatively for that discomfort. No one I want to be playing with would try to put their fingers in me after I said I was not comfortable with being fingered.  When I am getting beaten, I rarely want my play partner to shove their genitalia in my face, expecting me to service whatever part of the body it is. When I am playing with some one that I might want to have that experience with, I tell them in detail what I want. There is no implication of consent- there is enthusiastic consent alongside copious amounts of communication.  Scenes and play are not lacking a key component because they don’t involve sex.  They can be deeply connective, demanding, humiliating, strengthening, and powerful.

As a person just starting out in the BDSM scene, I recommend you create a “White List”. This is a list involving things that you enthusiastically want to explore. I also recommend you create a limit list, however, a white list will actually serve you better as an introduction to the scene.  If someone asks you to play and it doesn’t involve an activity on your white list, say no thank you, but that you’d like to try a different activity that is on your white list. I’ve been in the BDSM scene for over a decade- sex is still not on my white list, even when I am playing with partners I have a sexual relationship with.